A tale of two loves...

He knew this had to happen...life is not fair...choices and turns that we take in our past come to haunt us when we least expect...

2005

X was new and she was the hottest thing in the town.Everyone wanted to know her. The family she came from was very reputed and well to do. He requested his friends to introduce her to him. Yes she was particular about that - some friend had to introduce you to her! Initially he did not know what to do but gradually he got familiar. he thought she was the most wonderful thing ever to happen to him. He fell in love with her within the first week of courtship!

2006

He gradually got used to her. It was routine now. He still adored her but he realized that she was not perfect. Several times when he wanted her she was in accessible. But most of his friends also liked her. So he was happy. He accepted that there was no one better than her for him.

2007

She was losing her initial charm. She now looked old. Sometimes she behaved weirdly. She was drawing all wrong sort of people. The language she was using was gradually getting unrefined and coarse. At times, she annoyed him. But he still loved her.

2008

The relationship was growing difficult. She introduced him to lot of people who he did not know and like. Often he felt that his privacy and independence were affected! He wanted a break...but he was in love with her...He did not know what to do.

He had to come to new place. It was all new. There he met Y.

He had heard of Y as the new hot girl in the block. Everyone was swooning over her! He was sure she was not as good as X. However, many of their mutual friends praised Y over X. Somehow X was behaving oddly - she was so detached and old fashioned now.

He initially felt guilty but he was frustrated with X! Y looked so pretty and easy going....like a breath of fresh air! It was so simple to interact with her. Initially he felt she was very intrusive. But he gradually warmed up and started to enjoy life, again...

He convinced himself that he loved X...he wanted to see how life would be with Y.

2009

X was a shadow of her former self. She remembered her glory days, drinking alone in her gloomy darkness. Her loved one deserted her for Y. Y was pretty, but "So can be I" thought X.

X got a makeover. She wanted to look pretty and get back all the attentions. But she tried to copy Y, rather than focus on her own beauty. She lost. She was laughed at. People made fun of her.

It saddened him. He loved X and he could not bear to see this. But he was much more comfortable with Y now. Sooner or later, Y had to take X's place.

2010

X kept on falling, Y kept on becoming more beautiful. He could not live a moment without Y now. Somehow in the background X loomed around, sulking. But he guessed she also accepted her lot.

July 22 2010: Y replaced X, officially. 482 for Y vs 481 for X. It was the end of a age for him... whether he "like"d it or not, he did not "comment".

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X was Orkut and Y was Facebook, in case you have not got it :) .... I guess its an everlasting love story which will involve new characters like twitter, LinkedIn etc with passage of time...

Contradictions...

It is a crime to love outside marriage,

but a virtue to stay in a marriage with no love

It is all right to stop people loving in the open,

but entertainment to watch a public fight

It is a sin to think of same sex love,

but a heroic act to kill for ones nation and tribe.

It is unacceptable for government to increase taxes,

but disturbing to skip a meal and think of some starving child

It is wrong for reservations to exist in education,

but valid to deny a job to a person whose background is not right

It is acceptable for boys to have all the fun,

but frowned upon girls who dont dress up their part

It is fun if a foreigner has difficulty with your tongue,

but a disaster if he tries to earn for his life.

It is a problem if a person smokes and drink,

but society understands if he does not allow his wife to earn

It is tiresome to toil and work for change

But it is OK for someone to write and sigh.

Does it take your breath away...And you feel yourself suffocating

"Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins"

-21 Guns (Greenday)

Its been a habit of late to start writing with a song.But I did not put this song just to continue the trend. I intend to write about it, to dissect it and appreciate it.

I have been born and brought up in a place where its is a luxury to have a week without a bomb explosion, a shootout of someone from a family, which fortunately I don't know, getting killed or maimed. It has been happening for the last 10-20 years. It does not matter who is responsible or who needs to take "revenge"...It just makes me wonder about this song.

I have been away from my state for around 10 years. Thousands of dim eyed idealist have died in the process. Some due to bullets but most due to cynicism. Idealism is scorned, dreams not expected to come true. But you know what is more scary than the death of a dream? It is the death of the collective dream of a society. When society become lethargic and looks for a way to push its worries under and looks for a way to escape.

It was started as the noble fight, but somehow it became a fight. When was this nobility lost or the chivalry lost, no one knows or no one cares. Those who set about to change the world only managed to change themselves. Does it take your breath away, and makes you suffocate?

Everyone suffered and suffers. The ones who set out to change and ones who wanted status quo. Life was never the same. The sense of injustice and deprivation gives birth to idealism as well as a fatalistic view of life. The problem are due to "others" and not due to your incompetence and lethargy. When entire society goes into a dreamless sleep, we should not be surprised at why our dreams did not come true.

How about the idealist who were and are seduced? They fall for it but beyond a time they cannot come out. Its a vicious cycle. They can come out only by damming themselves but to damn themselves is to destroy the very idealism which made them love themselves. How can you love anything else when you hate yourselves? How much can you love yourself when every moment you are trying to ensure you survive?Does the pain out weigh the pride, and you look for a place to hide.

I guess its easy to write and talk about all this by sitting 1000s of mile away in a AC room and typing out a blog in ones free time and listening to Greenday on Youtube. But I guess I will try to keep my idealist in me and not become a cynic at my impotency to change anything.

Life will go on. An entire generation will be scorned at, laughed at or even detested by future generation for failing to improve the society. People will get tired and hungry and desperate. Dreams, now destroyed, will come again, maybe in different form.

But will our generation be able to believe in ourselves that we can change this world?

Job search and arranged marriage...

"love, feeling, emotions......"

So goes the song from Enigma...Donno why but listening to this song while applying for job (don't ask me which company! I was in auto-form-fill mode) set me off thinking...The similarity between arranged marriage and job hunt!

After all its a marriage "market" is'nt it? And we are on the look out for full time life long employment...not that I am anti or pro arranged (well does it matter???? If you don't get one on your own you go for arranged....so the entire choice is a function of circumstances! ???? Did I hear some one call me a loser!!!! Excuse me, I am a pragmatic man of Science who believes in maximizing his opportunity)

Well lets come back...From an early age we are groomed up...Do this, don't do this blah blah blah! Similarly, from first sem, get a good grade etc etc etc...Dont hang out with "rotten" guys/ gals as it may impact your "name"...Similarly, dont hang out with fun ppl as it will impact your grades!

After all years of hard work ( 16-20 year i guess? any one having better idea?), one is ready for the marriage market...so now on the hunt for a prospective groom/bride....If you are from a reputed family, you have less worries...people will come to your house asking for your hand...in the meantime, you are always told that affairs is bad as it will impact (again) your reputation! So, you are considered the best marriage material if you don't have any "prior" experience or idea how the opposite sex actually behaves!!!!

Now contrast it with studies (i will stick to engineering as i have direct exposure)...After 3-4 years of slog you look out for job...If you are from good college you have campus placements...Meanwhile, dont work "part time" as it may impact your grades! Then you go ahead and get a job...what are your options ? "Tech" or "Software" (seriously, the person who coined these 2 words and thus permanently divided the dream of an aspiring Indian engineer deserves to be stoned to death...)...so we go to work out for companies about which we have little idea but lots of expectations!

Then comes the marketing part...In marriages the marketing "Or girl cooks really well" (which means her mom cooks well) or "The guy does not smoke" (seriously, what makes girls think that a guy will answer NO if a stunner is in front of him and that is like the final question of KBC...)... And you always answer the answer people want to hear...we change our profile depending on the relationship we are looking at...Ditto for job search! "I know C and C++" (meaning i managed to somehow pass the course) or that "I was the captain of the class sports team" (Is there a class sports team? Really!)... Come on, if you have a job sitting in front of you, why do you need to tell the truth...technically speaking (as has been said by the wise), not telling the truth is not same as lying...

Finally, the greatest similarity...When a lesser qualified person gets the gal/guy or in our case, the job!!! "She had a affair in college", "He had less grades than me", "He earned less than me"!!!... I just cant help appreciate the beauty of the intricate working of our societal structure!!!

After doing this mental exercise, i felt happy.... inspite of the worst situation, there is hope in this wide open world...I have been a good person (REALLY!!! Why dont you believe me for once!)... I have not besmirched my name anywhere (no cases of felony, drug use blah blah blah)... Also the place from where i come has a reputation....All will be well!

Wait..I did not mean about marriage!!! GRRR...i am talking about getting a job!

A single foot of lenght ...

The story of A

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The smell of sweat and blood were all around. A was crouching in his hole...any false move , he would die and all the war will become meaningless for him. He waited , and waited...

This was not how it was supposed to be... The enemy was supposed to be caught unawares...also they were supposed to be lesser in number and most importantly, not equipped with machine guns ! A was cursing why he landed up in this mess!

His friend and comrade B was dead, a single bullet through his head...dead instantly. He was lying, 1 feet away, on his left...

B's story

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One year back...B was graduating from the military school... maybe it was the proudest moment of his life... he felt as if all the war heroes whose pictures adonrned the dorm walls were smilling upon him...his journey was about to begin.

He was called into this conflict 2 months ago. The enemy had occupied a large track of his country. Something had to be done.

A&B 's story

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The colonel decided that the only way out was to send a scout team and get the exact positions of the enemy. It was a risky gamble and he chose the best officers under him - A & B.

A's story

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So he lay, among sweat and blood....but he kept quiet. The enemy did not move in. They were convinced that the intruder was dead.

hours past...and finally it was dark...he crept out of his hole...he took the pictures...he came back and gave a final good bye to B, who was on his right when the bullet hit him...then he left him...

The attack was a success...the enemy position were accurately marked and were destroyed.

A became a war hero. Medals were bestowed upon him....gradually with passage of years, he forgot that he was so close to the bullet that hit B in place of him...after some years, his picture was on the dorm walls, along with other war heroes.

B's story

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Minutes before the bullet hit him...A was on his left...but somehow A did not look comfortable...B figured out that there was no way he could allow A to be uncovered as it will jeopardize the whole mission. So he dragged him to his right and he took the position on A left... It was 1 foot to the left of his earlier place...but he remembered the pictures of all the war heroes and the silent promise he made to them...Sometime later, a sniper who had seen A helmet partially, got a second glance of another helmet. B never had a chance after that.... he was one foot too far in the wrong direction...

Our story

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We read about the awesome military operations and tactical victory in the great war... We read an entire page on the heroic of A... Only place B gets mentioned is as a nameless soldier....when they say "A's entire team was wiped out but he did it alone".

Sometimes... a single foot is a big distance.

The Deadly truth

Inspired by Orham Pamuk's "My name is Red"!!! :)....

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I am lying amidst the debris of what was 5 minutes ago my body. Now that i could figure out things (its about 5 mins!) i realize that not only am i dead, my body has been splitted into over 10 parts! I am not sure which part of my body is talking - the heart or the head? But since i guess i can see things it is the head. But then again, it might be the soul!! I am so confused... Whoever came up with the cliche "rest in peace"!!!

I guess you are confused what all was happening? My apologies. I was out for shopping in the main market when i was caught up in a bomb explosion. And i died. However, with it, i became supremely aware of all things around me- the past , present and the future! Somehow me not knowing the cause of my death irked me!!! It was like being forced to marry without loving that person. I decided to explore why i died.

The immediate cause was clear. I have been splitted up into several pieces and each part was incapable of independent existence. But why was this done??? dammit... i am going to get to the bottom of it!

I transport myself 5 mins back (i am dead so i can do time travel!!!)... I see what happened... There was this young man, carrying the bag, which had the bomb which after 5 minutes had exploded right under my feet. Now that i see him, i could make out that he was uneasy, excited and looked very cautious! But when i was alive, it seemed so normal! Infact i did not even notice him. But then its no fun. I know what happened in the next few minutes. So i follow the young man 2 days in the past.

I see him in deep conversation with a person in his mid 40s. They looked very intense. I decided to eavesdrop. After all they killed me so i don't think they deserve my decency!

They were talking something about independence, tyranny, oppression and lot of gas! The older guy was somehow trying to motivate the young guy (I wont call him friend since he killed me) to carry "it" out, which i figured out, was planting the bomb. Since my head was in several pieces, i could not figure out how i "thought" but believe me, it's possible!

they were parting way...after some decision, i decided to leave the youg guy and start to follow the older guy. Time travel 2 years in the past!

I was now in a jungle..no wait! not a jungle but a training camp somewhere in the middle of a jungle! Young people were getting trained for.... to be killed or to kill!!! My My My... talking of dying is so easy for people who are alive. Only the dead know what they are missing! But lets not lead you away from my story.

I see the middle age guy in some serious discussion with who looked like his boss, a bald guy who was chain smoking. I could not understand their language. Again i overheard the words Tyranny, oppression and independence. They were talking about how they planned to fight to get independence from the government! I was lost, as i could not figure out why i had to die for this!!! But wait... i heard their plan... they would carry out a major bombing to shake the government and make them accept their demand!!!! Now it was making sense to me!

But why??? The question was not answered yet. So i decided to follow the boss to the past 10 years!

He had lot of hair then and was much more handsome!!!! Seeing this i got a sadistic pleasure (come on i can since he was responsible for my present state)...i saw him as all eager eyed and idle person. He was sitting in a geography class. Or was it a History class??? They had all maps around but these maps were showing historical kingdoms/empire. Or i was in a political science classroom because the teacher was saying lots of stuff about Marx and Lenin etc! WAIT!!!! I was in the middle of a sermon!!! I paused and listened. I was informed how historically "they" were a great kingdom and how the "oppressors" have conquered them!!!!

Now i was good in studies in school but i never heard of all these stories. So i was curious. However, after 5 mins i started yawning (well the soul can yawn believe me)...the guy was saying a lot of crap. 50% stuff was made up or his own interpretation and fables! I was laughing. But then i looked at the class. Everyone was listening in rapt attention!!! I suddenly realised that i was very close to the end of my investigation.

Using my special soul-power, i went inside the mind of the "preacher"...Dude!!! He was not even a class 10th pass!!! He has heard all the stuff he was blabbering from someone else and was just vomiting out! He was talking of a past 500 years ago!!! A past that made no difference to the living!!!

I cant believe this. I died because some idiot had an idea of the past which he successfully passed on to another idiot who then passed it to 3-4 more buffoons which ultimately lead me to my death!!! GRRRRRR.... Bunch of losers!

I might have hated history and geography in school but was big time pissed of it with it now! How nice it would have been if people did not care about history and geography so much and concentrated just on making a better lives for themselves!!! DAMMIT.... I might have been alive today!!!

A question of freedom!

I was having a email converstaion with a person who was working in a NGO. It was at that time when Tata's had not pulled out of Singur. The person was defending the rights of farmers and was saying that the main question is about freedom of choice! I disagreed with him...but it set me thinking...What exactly is freedom?

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15th Aug 1947, India won her freedom. It was a tectonic shift. 1/6th of humanity became FREE!!! was it? really?

I must make it clear that i dont intend to discuss about the freedom and socio-economic inequality existing. I am more interested in analysing it from a individual viewpoint.

Are we free? People may be shocked that i am even asking this question! Of course we are, they will say! Remember the British Raj!!! But this is waht i think is weird... Our concept of Freedom is symbolised by Political freedom!

People will disagree. They will say that one has the freedom to be what he or she wants! Its upto the individual to achieve. I disagree!!

Let us start with the big things in life. We are not free to decide our race, our nationality, our mother tongue etc etc etc! I may sound crazy but keep up with me. We are not even free to decide which name society should call us! Well we can change our name and stuff, officially!!! But to do it i have to spend time n effort and resources in a gov office and more time and effort and resources to let people know my new name!!!Is it freedom then! I dont think so.

I can continue with so many things we are not "FREE" to do! But it does not make sense ne may say- these things are fact and we cannot alter them! Exactly, thats my point. We are not as free as we like to think we are!

I can continue with multiple things. After doing an exhaustive search of most important things that define us, i can finally come up with the top 5 things we are free to do! 1) Choose our career 2) Marry the person we want 3)Our religion 4) Our favourite food and dress 5) Political freedom!

Dont cry out that i a pessimist!!!

Here too, we have multiple constraints that ensures that we excercise our freedom in a very restricted field!

Take career for example. Are we really free to decide on it? Well we have the choice to pick one career out of 40-50 listed out and approved by socio-economic parameters! To get about this, we have invented one more term called "Hobby"!!! Ya we are much more free to decide on our hobby than our careers, though socio-economic constraints also limit our choice, albeit to a lesser exent!

Marriage??? well i wont even discuss about it as it will take up too much space!!!

Religion? Well we have the freedom to believe or not to believe. But if we look into it carefully, you often have to give up this freedom to ensure you enjoy the benefits of social life.

Dress and food? Well we have a degree of personal choice. But almost 60% of stuff is off limits! Wearing your underwears outsides, or having elephant-meat for dinner, will ensure that lots of your other "freedoms" are curtailed!

Finally, our definition of freedom is only about political freedom! Well, less said about it the better!!!

In a nutshell, 90% of the stuff that define us, that make us, are not decided by us!!!! Are we really free???

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This is the most pessimistic article i have ever written. However, i think we often confuse between freedom and equality. All "freedom" movements are actually movements to ensure that people get equal rights and oppurtunities, rather than ensuring individual freedom.